Anyways onto more important things.

Today is Eid. Last time I posted on here was exactly a week before Ramadhan. Time sure flies. Guess I’ll have to chase that friend up about that meet up because I haven’t talked to her much all month.

Eid used to be a wonderful occasion when I was small. We’d meet over at my grandparents house and all us little cousins would have great fun. To be honest I can’t actually remember much about what we did but it was definitely fun. Now it’s pretty much a normal day. I’m not sure how today is going to pan out but we’ll be eating Biryani (which is always awesome!) and I think I may have to tag along with my Dad to go to the hospital to see my uncle whose in there with some paralysis I think. He’s probably then going to take us to our grandma’s which I don’t want to go. I get so bloody bored! They talk and backbite and it’s just annoying. I’d prefer to be a lazy bum and just stay here but we’ll see if I’m forced.

So what’s changed over this month?

Well I’m talking to my first crush again and it feels like I’m in some sort of soap because it couldn’t be as simple as me falling for her, her falling for me and us getting together. Nope. The Lord didn’t want that. He made her like someone else which puts me in an uneasy position. Anyways let me back up, I’ve gone to the end of the story instead of the start. Well the story starts about 14 years ago and has pretty much, always been one sided. The fear is that it will always stay that way…

When I was a little kid of about 5 or 6, there was this girl that caught my eye. Of course at that age you don’t fancy people in the same way we fancy now. But I don’t know. There was something about this fellow girl of 5 that when I looked at her, I couldn’t stop looking. I remember trying to walk around the playground in a circle just so I could see her and hoping she would perhaps look at me.  She did too! I think it may have been her beautiful eyes. Asian people in general don’t have greyish bluish eyes and this girl does so maybe it was that that got me so interested from such a young age. In Year 3 we were put in the same class. I don’t remember us being really close but do remember talking and laughing with her with an old Chinese friend of mine. I sat next to her once too and remember admiring her handwriting while noticing the fact her middle thing was weirdly big. She was born with 6 fingers or something so she’s needed operations on her fingers a few time. So anyways Primary School finished and we went our separate ways. One thing I’ve forgotten to mention is the fact we live down the road from each other. Not too close though so we very rarely come across each other. Only have a few times in my whole life. The next time I saw her was Year 10 or 11 when I was walking back from school. I had to walk past her house to get home and this was one of the rare moments where I was walking behind her. She was with a friend and fully veiled, I had heard from my Mum who kind of knows her Mum that she wore a veil. So I had a feeling it was her and when she walked into her house my suspicions were right. The weird thing about this was the way I felt, I started to kind of shiver and become really self-conscious. For someone who hadn’t really been the closest of friends in Primary and I hadn’t talked to in years, suddenly I felt weirdly like this? I guess it was because of the soft spot that had been there since I was a little kid.
The next chapter of this story began on the first day of College! I had gone in for my first tutorial and then there was this boring assembly we had to sit through. As I sat down I noticed this veiled girl and my mind instantly thought ‘Could that be her?’ I had a niggling feeling that it was, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t wondered before then whether she was coming to the same college as me and now there’s this girl who is veiled so the chances were pretty high. After the assembly as we were walking out I heard someone scream her name and I thought ‘Wow so I was right’. I now was put in quite a testing position. This girl that I’ve had a soft spot for 11 years is now at the same College as me! To complicate matters further she wears a veil; that’s a silent warning telling guys to back off. So what do I do?! Do I ignore it and try? Do I talk to her out the blue? It’d be a bit odd me saying “Hey! Do you remember me from school all those years ago?” Plus I was really shy at the time, especially with females so though I told myself that I should talk to her and just introduce myself, in my heart I knew that I wasn’t brave enough to. Lady luck smiled on me and some of the new friends I had made, well actually they were more my friend’s friends, were friends of hers from School. Using that connection I got her email address and decided I’d add her on MSN. That’s the only way I could sum up the courage to say anything, Behind a computer screen. How sad it seems now. But I don’t regret it otherwise I’d still be in the same position even today. So I waited for a moment where both this mutual friend of hers and her were online at the same time with the friend telling me online that she’s online and I should add her. I did this so I would know if she had rejected my invitation straight away. Fortunately she didn’t. If I’m not mistaken this happened at the start of December 2006, I know this because on the 7th I went to India and I remember this happening shortly before that. The conversation didn’t quite go as I had hoped. She apologised and said she doesn’t talk to guys before and I was blocked! Wow. Those few months of hoping, expecting a miracle and suddenly Ouch she said no. For the first time in my life I was heartbroken. And over what? Some girl I knew years ago. Some girl who probably didn’t think much of me except that I was an old acquaintance. It is quite crappy to think back about how I was and for that reason I wish she never reads this blog because I know I would look like a total weirdo. So that first year finished with her being veiled, me seeing her around and feeling a bit upset that I wasn’t able to talk to her. Things didn’t change much in the second year except for the fact that she removed the veil and that I was put in her class for Law. I couldn’t believe my luck. Although I knew nothing would happen the fact that I was going to see her a few times a week was a good feeling. Weirdo alert again? I don’t know why she took the veil off but off it was and for the first time in 6 years I saw her face again. She was still a beauty and she still had that amazing smile that would make me stop and think ‘Wow’. She had a confident presence while at the same time one that seemed humble, one that seemed open minded; she was someone that you could tell would get along with most people. Second year passed too and off we both were to Uni. In a way it was a bit of relief to not see her because if I didn’t see her, I wouldn’t want to talk her and it actually worked. Of course she was on my mind from time to time but I had all but forgotten her. She was someone that I was never to know. Or so I thought.
Which leads me into the next chapter of this saga. We had 2 mutual friends. One from college and another is an old Primary School student who I got talking to on Facebook and someone who though I haven’t met, we have texted and talk on MSN so much that it feels like I do know her in real life. This mutual friend had mentioned once before that the girl had changed and was talking to guys now but I didn’t think much of it. So I was sat lazing on MSN and Facebook one evening as I usually do and suddenly I get an email. To my shock and surprise she had added me on Facebook! I really didn’t know what to think. You might have expected me to jump straight onto Facebook but for some reason I didn’t. I just sat there thinking about what had just happened. Of course eventually I did go onto Facebook and accept her friend request but not before reading a message she’d left me on there apologising about blocking me on MSN in 2006 and how she now talks to guys. Wow is she for real? She’s apologising to me?! Even though I was the one stupid enough to think a veiled woman would want to talk to me? Anyways she was added and we got chatting, first on Facebook chat, then MSN and then through some help with the mutual friend, through texting. How do I put this? We’ve been talking for nearly a month and there’s only been about 2 or 3 days where we haven’t talked. We’ve got along so well and we have so much in common from books we like to TV shows to Films to how we think, religious beliefs, so much it’s actually quite astounding. I was going to write a blog about a week before I started talking to her about how I was feeling lonely and stuff but now I don’t feel like I need to. Weird thing is I haven’t talked to her on the phone nor have I met her yet so I’m kind of nervous about that but I’m sure it’ll go fine. The final twist in this story so far is that I know that if we keep chatting like this I will develop feelings for her, if I haven’t already. Would she develop them back? I don’t know. But the sad fact is at the moment she likes someone else but she can’t be with him presumably because they would have no chance of being together because of parental pressure. Or so I think. But who knows why she thinks they can’t be together. Could be a different reason altogether. The point is with that kind of person in her life the chances for me are very slim. It’s as if God granted one wish and then put another hurdle for me to jump.

So where do I go from here?

Well I’m meeting up with her on the 29th of this month to see Michael McIntyre at the O2 Arena which should be a blast. Hopefully the ice will break early on and we’ll have a great evening. Then there’s the fact her Uni is only about a half hour walk away which means I could of course easily meet up with her during the course of the year.

Guess it’s all up to waiting and seeing. What will happen will happen but who knows what’s next in this 14 year one-sided story!

Wow that was long and I’ve missed bits and pieces here and there too. Nothing too important though.

It’s just about to hit 12am on Monday and I have work in the morning. I’m working at Uni for one week to help out for Induction week. I’m working at a TFL stand which sounds overly boring but hopefully person I’m working will make good company.

Anyways its 00.05 so I’m off.

Take care and thanks for reading.

Peace.

April 2nd it says. Over 4 months.

Didn’t expect to take so long but hey, better late then never eh?

Anyways what’s new you ask.

Not very much to be honest.

Finished my first year at University and got my results. Got a 2:2. 55%. Not bad at all for first year. Only worth 10% of my overall degree so I didn’t go all out. Next year I’ll have to. It’s a make or break year. Hopefully all shall go well!

It’s been another boring and frustrating summer in all respects. Couldn’t find a job, didn’t really do much with mates and yeah it’s just not been a very nice summer. I really wanted to do something big this summer. Not massive like a holiday or anything. Even a trip to Thorpe Park would have done me some good. Did have one trip to Thorpe Park planned but it fell through. Nothing happened after and nothing will happen now which sucks. Oh one thing I did do was go Roller Disco, roller skating in a rink! Odd experience at first but a lot of fun. Fell embarassingly on my bum which caused a lot of laughs for my friends. That was probably the height of the fun I’ve had this summer. Now I got Uni to look forward to which I’m not.

Too much negativity in this post so far. Anything positive this summer?

I did work at the University Open Day in June which was a great (although very tiring) experience as I learnt quite a bit about myself just by interacting with strangers. I’ve always thought I’m a shy person and to some extent I am, I find it difficult to start conversations with some people. And the prospect of meeting and having to help hundreds of random people was a bit daunting in the beginning. However although I was a bit shaky at times with information, I was great! Confident and in control! It always felt good when someone asked me something, I knew the answer, they listened, smiled, said ‘Thank You’ and went. Job done!

I was going to meet one of my closest internet friends this Sunday. Everything was set this morning. 11.20 at Ilford Cineworld. I’ve been meaning to meet her for about a year. I’ve asked before, planned before and been let down before which I was quite offended by back then. Anyways as I said it was all to happen till I realised I have a meeting this Sunday with the local Mosque chairman regarding Tarawih prayers in Ramadhan! When I realised a great day turned into quite a crappy one and the rest of the day has followed suit. Wish I could meet her. Seeing as this is the last weekend before Ramadhan as it starts either on Friday or Saturday, and she works in the weekdays it is almost impossible I will see her before Ramadhan. Seeing her after which though would be cool seems yonks away. Quite annoyed but sigh… what can one do?

Go to sleep? Yeah that seems a good option.

Got so much more to say but just don’t know how to say it. Hopefully I’ll get regular again on this and post the contents of my constantly conflicted head.

We shall see.

Until then do take care of yourself.

Peace and Love.

At the time I thought I had a test but it turned out that I had already done it last week. So with me being free, she asked me again if I wanted to tag along and I said okay.

I’ve never been on a protest so this was all new to me.

I must say I enjoyed it.

Everyone around me including my very passionate friend were screaming their heads off and I found it hard to as I’m not really a loud person generally. But being in a crowd like that gets you into the mood and even I started shouting. Twas quite fun.

It started in Grosvenor Square (which took ages to find as she messed up with map or something) and ended at Trafalgar Square where there were many lively and enthusiastic speakers.

What I found quite wonderful was the fact that most of the people were non-muslims protesting for the rights of Muslims around the world i.e. Iraq, Afghanistan and Palestine were the main ones mentioned.

I use the word loosely, but Asians in general love to complain but they don’t do much themselves to make a change. And that’s me included. We all have such a defeatist attitude which will never get us anywhere and nothing will ever happen thinking like that. We need to be more active, make more people aware about what’s happening and what’s wrong with the world and try and make some kind of difference, small or large. Slowly and surely it may help in some way.

That being said I don’t think protests make much difference to how the worlds run. That’s not to say I disagree or disregard them. I’m all for them as there has to be awareness for there to be a change in the first place. What I’m trying to say is look how many marched against the Iraq war? Did anything change? Not a bit.

The sad fact is that politicians will do what they want, when they want, regardless of what their people want. We are tricked into thinking we live in a democracy but we don’t. We elect them but we are always the losers no matter who is in power.

All in all quite an eye opening experience and one that I hope I’ll repeat some day.

One of the speakers was a rapper called LowKey who is from London. I’ve been checking out some of his tracks on Youtube and I must say I’m amazed at how good he is! His flow is brilliant, his lyrics are hard hitting and inspiring and he has raw talent. I hope he becomes massive as he could bring a big change on the scale of the 2pac if he had a chance as most of his lyrics are political and about making a change.

Anyways getting late.

Until next time.

Peace.

Everything seems to not be going as well as I’d like it to be.

Uni, Friends, Job, Home.

I’ve only got a week left of Uni before we break up for the year. Then it’s just revision and exams to tackle. Though I do have a report to write up which is due in the middle of April.

But I’ve still got the problem.

I leave things too late. I shall not go into all that seeing as I already have in an earlier blog. I’ll tackle it somehow. Well I hope so.

The year has passed so quick it’s unbelievable. It’s odd though. While it feels like the year has gone by really quick, college days seem a distant memory now.

Uni is crap though. And not just because of the work. The work isn’t that bad really. Sure, I need to work harder and all but I don’t regret choosing Psychology. The content has been good, mostly engaging. Sure, some of the lecturers could liven it up to stop me falling asleep but as a whole the course is very good.

The problem I have with Uni is I have made no friends.

It is quite sad that I couldn’t in 19, end of next week it will be 20, weeks I couldn’t make one friend.

Sure I’ve talked to people and made acquaintances and had a laugh here and there.

But that isn’t friendship. I’d love to have someone I can call and ask if they want to hang out or something. But at the moment I feel so alone.

That’s partly why I’m annoyed with a few old friends. It isn’t always their fault. They have their own lives to lead and stuff and I’m not there anymore regularly so can’t expect them always to make time for me.

But what hurts is when I tell them I’m feeling shit and even after that nothing changes. Okay, I don’t expect you to spend a whole day with me. But is a few hours in a week going to kill you?

I told one of my friends my hearts contents, told her what she’d done wrong and she apologised. And I thought to myself  ‘Maybe this is a new beginning, Maybe she’s changed’. But no. She contacted me on Thursday night, a week and a bit later, to ask if I wanted to meet up.

Fuck you.

I could have but I was being stubborn so I didn’t and just said I wasn’t free.

Damn I do sound like a miserable twat but I’m just yearning for someone to be my friend for sake of wanting to be my friend rather then because they feel sorry for me.

So I guess it might be my fault.

Maybe I’m boring to hang out with. Maybe they feel like they can’t have fun with me.

I have noticed that I’m the friend people will talk to when they need a shoulder to cry on. I guess in a way that’s a compliment and I do have a knack of saying to people ‘I’m always here if you need to talk’ and I will always say that and will probably go on listening to people’s problems because that’s who I am.

That’s why I’m thinking of becoming a counsellor. I like to think I’d be quite good at it.

Anyways sometimes I’d like to be more then just that shoulder to cry on. I’d like to think I have a good personality so why don’t people want to be my friend?

Who knows.

As for family the sunday before last, me and Dad has massive argument. Well it was him doing the shouting more then me.

The reason?

I cut a bit of hair.

I trimmed my beard. Not massively. Just kind of cleaned it up a bit. To most people you’d have to focus really hard to really notice anythings changed but as he is on the look out he can spot it.

What ensued was totally out of proportion but not unexpected I suppose. He said I was spoilt and that memorising the Qur’aan was of no use because I trimmed my beard.

What took the piss was the fact he wasn’t as annoyed at me trimming my beard as he was about people seeing me. He said quite clearly ‘Don’t go to Mosque for 2 weeks. Someone will see you and you’ll lower my name’.

Lower your name?!

What kind of reasons that?!

If he had been pissed because of the Islamic side of things then I’d still be angry but I’d understand. But he’s pissed more because of what might people think. That takes the piss.

The worst bit of it all was that he blamed Mum for spoiling me. I guess I was a bit of a pussy when I walked out to house when he started shouting at me. I should have realised with me not there, he’d start shouting at my Mum.

My mum may have spoiled me here and there but she hasn’t messed me up in anyway. Shocking as it is, I have a brain.

I want to do what I want to do. That’s not to say I want to disrespect my parents but there comes a time in life when something small like trimming your beard shouldn’t be seen as a massive moral wrong.

Looking around there are many more messed up kids out there. I haven’t dealt drugs, got a girl pregnant, got in trouble with the police or anything even close to that.

All I did was cut a bit of hair.

Look at the bigger picture.

Anyways enough negativeness. Tis not healthy.

What’s been good about this month?

Well I’m still alive and well. Looking around the world and others heartwrenching stories, nothing massively bad has happened to me. We all, including me, really should complain less.

I started this post a few days ago and hoped to end it before the end of the month.

Again and unsurprisingly I failed again.

Anyways I think I should end this.

Take care.

Peace

I haven’t really started with any idea in mind.

I’m bored out my brains and I haven’t really updated this in a few days so why not.

What can I say that could be deemed interesting?

Yay. Prithvi just popped up online again. Thought she’d  disconnected and gone to bed without saying bye which is always a bit sad. But it’s not her fault.

That does annoy me at times. When someone goes offline without saying goodbye. Obviously if your nets crappy or something and it’s no fault of yours it doesn’t matter but some people are like ‘Oh Sorry, I forgot’.

Err WTF?

I’m assuming when we had our conversation there was a Window with my name on it. So either you clicked me off then without saying bye then, which is rude in itself. Or when MSN warned you ‘You got 3 bloody convos still going. Are you effing sure you want to leave?’ you said yes.  Which is rude as well.

Either way, your a rude idiot.

However I will admit I’ve done that a few times myself. Unintentionally may I add.

I bet none of you will ever want to talk to me again now.  Probably think I’m harbouring negative thoughts towards you.

Maybe.

But usually I don’t care after a short while.

If your wondering about the state of my work I’m still very, very behind. I will leave it at that. May the Lord help me. And may he help me help myself.

Night.

I’d say something like that in an A-Level English piece of work. I do miss English at times. I can’t remember many times or many subjects where I was working on something that made me feel like my brain was working hard yet at the same time enjoying it a lot. Though I came out with a B it wasn’t really a hard subject, but it was one that needed you to use your brain. Application was key rather then merely remembering.

As well as trying to grasp your attention the title does actually have a meaning.

Today I found out that I didn’t actually have a class today, so had another whole day free. I felt really regretful that I didn’t work harder yesterday. If I’d been more assertive and less lazy, then I could have done a lot more yesterday and most probably could have finished it today and then only have 1 of the 2 courseworks left. But as mentioned yesterday, I failed.

This leads to me to reinvention. Yes, I know I’ve skipped reflection but I will get back to it. Not to worry for those whose blood pressure has now risen to dangerous levels because of the shock of the apparent omission.

Anyways I’m blabbling. Back to topic.

March is a busy month for me. I have many deadlines and much revision and reading to do for coursework and tests. I’d really like to shape up and try my utmost best to go through these in a reasonable manner without having to be overly stressed because I’ve left it all till the last minute. I’ve had these ‘I’m going to shape up’ moments many times in life and more often then not, I have failed to keep it up.  This time I really think it’s important I do, seeing as I would like to get into the second year with a decent grade. That would start me off with positivity and more confidence to be able to keep it up next year and the most important third.

My next deadline is next Thursday. A 1500 word essay. Not long at all and the topic I’ve chosen (Piaget’s cognitive theory of development) isn’t the hardest and there is so much information out there, I won’t be lacking at all in finding things. It is now up to me to get that info, write that essay and hand it in, in good time. I won’t have much time to relax, as I have 2 more deadlines in the following week so ideally I can get this one out the way as soon as possible and focus on them. We shall see.

I have been reflecting a lot lately. Being alone in Uni with barely anyone to talk to plus college friends being busy or just not being bothered, makes one reflective. I’ve been reflecting on just about anything. Family, friends, religon, future, wife, kids…

The other day  I was having lunch in Uni and was looking at others smiling and laughing and I thought to myself how wonderful it’d have been if my good friend Prithvi was here. I could imagine me googling at some hot woman who’d just walked in and her going ‘I wish I was gorgeous like that’ and me saying ‘Your beautiful as you are’ and her smiling and blushing while she gives me the ‘Are you blind?’ look. Then we’d walk around Uni singing Bollywood songs or recreating dialogue and scenes, and have lots of good times. How the heart yearns at times.

The heart will keep yearning and hopefully I will keep reflecting, expressing and typing.

Peace.

Yep, you read right.

I have miserably and disgracefully failed to write up the report I was supposed to hand in tomorrow. I can hear some of you saying ‘Hey Idiot! You have over 24 hours left! You have more then enough time to make it all alright.’

True.

But I am neither mentally or physically stable to do any work at the moment. I guess why I sound so chilled is because it isn’t the end of the world as we get 3 pieces or coursework and we hand in 2. Obviously I’ve missed this one so the last 2 are compulsory now. Only thing I’m not too happy about is that the last 2 are so bloody long and more hard then the past 4 so not looking forward to writing them up.

I have learnt one thing though. Don’t leave it so bloody late because it doesn’t always work! I had it all planned in my head that I’d do it all today and hand it in and be free of it. How wrong things turned.

Anyways too much negativity on this blog.

Let’s add some positivity.

Erm.

I’m listening to some songs from ‘Taal’ which was of course composed by the legendary and now world renowned AR Rahman. Pure genius is the best way to describe his music. He is undoubtedly the greatest composer to ever grace the Indian Film Industry as a whole, but especially Bollywood as that is the most well known. Yes you dumbos. Bollywood is different from the Indian film industry. There are many film industries in India like Tamil, Kannada, Bengali, Bhojpuri and of course the Hindi Film Industry which is better known as Bollywood. That’s something new you’ve learnt if you never knew that before. If you did then well done. Message me for your medal.

Anyways if I wasn’t so mentally tired I’d go into why AR Rahman is so awesome and what my favourite tracks of his are but maybe some other day because my head feels like it’s running on empty. Currently listening ’Kehna Hi Kya’ from ‘Bombay’. If that isn’t genius I don’t know what it is. Listen and revel if you have time.

Looking at the word count I’ve just reached 364 words. I’m pretty sure that’s more then I got to in my work.

I’m curious now. Let me go check.

I was right. I only got to 119. That’s disgraceful.

May I learn from my mistakes and not ever have to fail so badly again.

I probably will though.

Take care.

It’s like ‘Hey, I’m bored. What do I do? I know. I’ll type up some crap on my blog and pass time.’

Yay me for wasting time while I have work to do.

Why am I keeping a blog I hear myself ask?

The answer is simply I don’t really know. I do have a rough idea.

Sometimes in life one wants to just express, express feelings, desires and emotions. Sometimes it’s random, sometimes it’s well thought out. Usually there’s a friend to express to and who is willing to listen your bullshit, but I have a feeling they get annoyed with me after a while, so I’m hoping this blog thing can help me express while annoying no one. ‘Genius’ I can hear you say.

It’s also for reminiscing. We all like to reminisce now and again. Looking back and reflecting at times gone by, hopefully good times but I’m sure we all have our fair share of bad memories.

Another ‘hope’ I’ve had is for my children and grand children, if it ever gets that far, to read something I’ve written, to see what it was like being a teenager in 2009 compared to when they live when it will most probably be a lot different. As well as a blog, or instead of a blog,  I was thinking of writing a diary. Then it’d be handwritten and more personal. But me being me that’ll either not happen or take a while. Sounds a bit stupi,d all this kids and grandkids stuff I know and I suppose it is, seeing as I have no idea what will happen next week, let alone in 30 or 40 years.

Okay I guess I was lying. I do kind of know why I’m keeping one. Let’s just hope I can keep this up. So far it has been quite fun.

I’m not going to advertise my blog but I do have a desire like all writers that someone reads it. But who’d be interested in the life of a regular 19 year old from London? Someone I’m sure.

I’ve just had an idea. I’m going post a link to the first blog on Facebook and see what happens.

Who knows?

Someone may take an interest and keep up to date.

And if not, Oh well, it’s just me and you Mr Bloggy.

Okay that sounds embarassing.

I must shut up.

Peace.