It’s not been the best of months.
Everything seems to not be going as well as I’d like it to be.
Uni, Friends, Job, Home.
I’ve only got a week left of Uni before we break up for the year. Then it’s just revision and exams to tackle. Though I do have a report to write up which is due in the middle of April.
But I’ve still got the problem.
I leave things too late. I shall not go into all that seeing as I already have in an earlier blog. I’ll tackle it somehow. Well I hope so.
The year has passed so quick it’s unbelievable. It’s odd though. While it feels like the year has gone by really quick, college days seem a distant memory now.
Uni is crap though. And not just because of the work. The work isn’t that bad really. Sure, I need to work harder and all but I don’t regret choosing Psychology. The content has been good, mostly engaging. Sure, some of the lecturers could liven it up to stop me falling asleep but as a whole the course is very good.
The problem I have with Uni is I have made no friends.
It is quite sad that I couldn’t in 19, end of next week it will be 20, weeks I couldn’t make one friend.
Sure I’ve talked to people and made acquaintances and had a laugh here and there.
But that isn’t friendship. I’d love to have someone I can call and ask if they want to hang out or something. But at the moment I feel so alone.
That’s partly why I’m annoyed with a few old friends. It isn’t always their fault. They have their own lives to lead and stuff and I’m not there anymore regularly so can’t expect them always to make time for me.
But what hurts is when I tell them I’m feeling shit and even after that nothing changes. Okay, I don’t expect you to spend a whole day with me. But is a few hours in a week going to kill you?
I told one of my friends my hearts contents, told her what she’d done wrong and she apologised. And I thought to myself ‘Maybe this is a new beginning, Maybe she’s changed’. But no. She contacted me on Thursday night, a week and a bit later, to ask if I wanted to meet up.
Fuck you.
I could have but I was being stubborn so I didn’t and just said I wasn’t free.
Damn I do sound like a miserable twat but I’m just yearning for someone to be my friend for sake of wanting to be my friend rather then because they feel sorry for me.
So I guess it might be my fault.
Maybe I’m boring to hang out with. Maybe they feel like they can’t have fun with me.
I have noticed that I’m the friend people will talk to when they need a shoulder to cry on. I guess in a way that’s a compliment and I do have a knack of saying to people ‘I’m always here if you need to talk’ and I will always say that and will probably go on listening to people’s problems because that’s who I am.
That’s why I’m thinking of becoming a counsellor. I like to think I’d be quite good at it.
Anyways sometimes I’d like to be more then just that shoulder to cry on. I’d like to think I have a good personality so why don’t people want to be my friend?
Who knows.
As for family the sunday before last, me and Dad has massive argument. Well it was him doing the shouting more then me.
The reason?
I cut a bit of hair.
I trimmed my beard. Not massively. Just kind of cleaned it up a bit. To most people you’d have to focus really hard to really notice anythings changed but as he is on the look out he can spot it.
What ensued was totally out of proportion but not unexpected I suppose. He said I was spoilt and that memorising the Qur’aan was of no use because I trimmed my beard.
What took the piss was the fact he wasn’t as annoyed at me trimming my beard as he was about people seeing me. He said quite clearly ‘Don’t go to Mosque for 2 weeks. Someone will see you and you’ll lower my name’.
Lower your name?!
What kind of reasons that?!
If he had been pissed because of the Islamic side of things then I’d still be angry but I’d understand. But he’s pissed more because of what might people think. That takes the piss.
The worst bit of it all was that he blamed Mum for spoiling me. I guess I was a bit of a pussy when I walked out to house when he started shouting at me. I should have realised with me not there, he’d start shouting at my Mum.
My mum may have spoiled me here and there but she hasn’t messed me up in anyway. Shocking as it is, I have a brain.
I want to do what I want to do. That’s not to say I want to disrespect my parents but there comes a time in life when something small like trimming your beard shouldn’t be seen as a massive moral wrong.
Looking around there are many more messed up kids out there. I haven’t dealt drugs, got a girl pregnant, got in trouble with the police or anything even close to that.
All I did was cut a bit of hair.
Look at the bigger picture.
Anyways enough negativeness. Tis not healthy.
What’s been good about this month?
Well I’m still alive and well. Looking around the world and others heartwrenching stories, nothing massively bad has happened to me. We all, including me, really should complain less.
I started this post a few days ago and hoped to end it before the end of the month.
Again and unsurprisingly I failed again.
Anyways I think I should end this.
Take care.
Peace
