More Words…

I am the fool that I am,
Keep thinking you might give a damn,
Throw me a smile but it’s all a fucking sham.
Making promises and then breaking them,
If your gonna do that why you fucking making them.
2 months, no words, no texts, no calling,
All of a sudden phone rings and your bawling,
What’s wrong? I’m calling.
‘Ah this and that, My mans a prat,
Getting fat and my mates a rat.’
I’m listening attentively,
Acting sensibly,
Being nice ostensibly.
‘I love you, your such a good mate,
Always listen to me, you never hate.’
I’m smiling, thinking she’s come to her senses,
Readjusted her lenses, So I drop my defenses
‘Don’t worry, I’m always here,
To give you my ear, to wipe your tear’.
She’s okay now so she disappears again,
Doesn’t stay long enough to even sense my pain,
Feel shit, been left alone again,
Matter seems so simple and plain.
I vow to never be a fool again,
To never be someone’s tool again,
My head will rule again.
Until the phone rings and she’s crying,
Can’t do this to her, I’m not lying.
Put the phone to my ear and I start to hear,
Knowing after this, she’ll dissapear.

Words…

Broken promises, empty words,
Nothing that I ain’t heard.
Sorry oh this, sorry oh that,
Something came up, oh my tyres flat.
While I’m here sat with a gat,
Wondering whether I should splat
My brains onto my mouse mat.
Finger on trigger, things getting risky,
Thinking whether they’d miss me or diss me.
Eyes gettin misty,
Feel the adrenaline, need a pissy.
No going back now, gonna pop now,
Heart’s gonna stop now.
Thoughts run through my head,
What would they say if I were dead?
Would they simply RIP and put me to bed,
Or would they wonder why I went painted red.
Mum comes to mind, she’d be devastated,
So amazing, she’s never hated,
Wish I had I her power to be elated,
Let my problems go, keep my heart ungated.
She’ll miss me, don’t want to part,
Could I really break her heart?
Could write a letter but where would I start?
Yes, No, Yes No,
Mind starts to slow, to flow, to know,
That I can’t go.
Got things to do, people to see,
Mum to please, gotta give her ease.
Gifts to give, a life to live,
Need to forgive.
Throw the gun on the floor and open the door,
No ones at home, let out a roar,
Go to the phone, think of mum and brother,
Dial her number and tell her I love her.

Alive…

I don’t know why I’m typing this.

I haven’t really started with any idea in mind.

I’m bored out my brains and I haven’t really updated this in a few days so why not.

What can I say that could be deemed interesting?

Yay. Prithvi just popped up online again. Thought she’d  disconnected and gone to bed without saying bye which is always a bit sad. But it’s not her fault.

That does annoy me at times. When someone goes offline without saying goodbye. Obviously if your nets crappy or something and it’s no fault of yours it doesn’t matter but some people are like ‘Oh Sorry, I forgot’.

Err WTF?

I’m assuming when we had our conversation there was a Window with my name on it. So either you clicked me off then without saying bye then, which is rude in itself. Or when MSN warned you ‘You got 3 bloody convos still going. Are you effing sure you want to leave?’ you said yes.  Which is rude as well.

Either way, your a rude idiot.

However I will admit I’ve done that a few times myself. Unintentionally may I add.

I bet none of you will ever want to talk to me again now.  Probably think I’m harbouring negative thoughts towards you.

Maybe.

But usually I don’t care after a short while.

If your wondering about the state of my work I’m still very, very behind. I will leave it at that. May the Lord help me. And may he help me help myself.

Night.

Regret, Reflection and Reinvention

I used a triadic of alliterative abstract nouns in the title to try and grasp your attention.

I’d say something like that in an A-Level English piece of work. I do miss English at times. I can’t remember many times or many subjects where I was working on something that made me feel like my brain was working hard yet at the same time enjoying it a lot. Though I came out with a B it wasn’t really a hard subject, but it was one that needed you to use your brain. Application was key rather then merely remembering.

As well as trying to grasp your attention the title does actually have a meaning.

Today I found out that I didn’t actually have a class today, so had another whole day free. I felt really regretful that I didn’t work harder yesterday. If I’d been more assertive and less lazy, then I could have done a lot more yesterday and most probably could have finished it today and then only have 1 of the 2 courseworks left. But as mentioned yesterday, I failed.

This leads to me to reinvention. Yes, I know I’ve skipped reflection but I will get back to it. Not to worry for those whose blood pressure has now risen to dangerous levels because of the shock of the apparent omission.

Anyways I’m blabbling. Back to topic.

March is a busy month for me. I have many deadlines and much revision and reading to do for coursework and tests. I’d really like to shape up and try my utmost best to go through these in a reasonable manner without having to be overly stressed because I’ve left it all till the last minute. I’ve had these ‘I’m going to shape up’ moments many times in life and more often then not, I have failed to keep it up.  This time I really think it’s important I do, seeing as I would like to get into the second year with a decent grade. That would start me off with positivity and more confidence to be able to keep it up next year and the most important third.

My next deadline is next Thursday. A 1500 word essay. Not long at all and the topic I’ve chosen (Piaget’s cognitive theory of development) isn’t the hardest and there is so much information out there, I won’t be lacking at all in finding things. It is now up to me to get that info, write that essay and hand it in, in good time. I won’t have much time to relax, as I have 2 more deadlines in the following week so ideally I can get this one out the way as soon as possible and focus on them. We shall see.

I have been reflecting a lot lately. Being alone in Uni with barely anyone to talk to plus college friends being busy or just not being bothered, makes one reflective. I’ve been reflecting on just about anything. Family, friends, religon, future, wife, kids…

The other day  I was having lunch in Uni and was looking at others smiling and laughing and I thought to myself how wonderful it’d have been if my good friend Prithvi was here. I could imagine me googling at some hot woman who’d just walked in and her going ‘I wish I was gorgeous like that’ and me saying ‘Your beautiful as you are’ and her smiling and blushing while she gives me the ‘Are you blind?’ look. Then we’d walk around Uni singing Bollywood songs or recreating dialogue and scenes, and have lots of good times. How the heart yearns at times.

The heart will keep yearning and hopefully I will keep reflecting, expressing and typing.

Peace.

Failure

I failed.

Yep, you read right.

I have miserably and disgracefully failed to write up the report I was supposed to hand in tomorrow. I can hear some of you saying ‘Hey Idiot! You have over 24 hours left! You have more then enough time to make it all alright.’

True.

But I am neither mentally or physically stable to do any work at the moment. I guess why I sound so chilled is because it isn’t the end of the world as we get 3 pieces or coursework and we hand in 2. Obviously I’ve missed this one so the last 2 are compulsory now. Only thing I’m not too happy about is that the last 2 are so bloody long and more hard then the past 4 so not looking forward to writing them up.

I have learnt one thing though. Don’t leave it so bloody late because it doesn’t always work! I had it all planned in my head that I’d do it all today and hand it in and be free of it. How wrong things turned.

Anyways too much negativity on this blog.

Let’s add some positivity.

Erm.

I’m listening to some songs from ‘Taal’ which was of course composed by the legendary and now world renowned AR Rahman. Pure genius is the best way to describe his music. He is undoubtedly the greatest composer to ever grace the Indian Film Industry as a whole, but especially Bollywood as that is the most well known. Yes you dumbos. Bollywood is different from the Indian film industry. There are many film industries in India like Tamil, Kannada, Bengali, Bhojpuri and of course the Hindi Film Industry which is better known as Bollywood. That’s something new you’ve learnt if you never knew that before. If you did then well done. Message me for your medal.

Anyways if I wasn’t so mentally tired I’d go into why AR Rahman is so awesome and what my favourite tracks of his are but maybe some other day because my head feels like it’s running on empty. Currently listening ’Kehna Hi Kya’ from ‘Bombay’. If that isn’t genius I don’t know what it is. Listen and revel if you have time.

Looking at the word count I’ve just reached 364 words. I’m pretty sure that’s more then I got to in my work.

I’m curious now. Let me go check.

I was right. I only got to 119. That’s disgraceful.

May I learn from my mistakes and not ever have to fail so badly again.

I probably will though.

Take care.